This is a story about some stuff that happened to me last night. After the wedding we cabbed back to the hotel and I stayed outside to talk to the moon while my wife went up to the room. On my way to the elevator I veered towards the vending machine and plugged my money in the magic slot. I had just enough change for 2 bags of chips: surprise doritos for the wife, salt and vinegar for me. The doritos fell like a unsuccessful skydiver on a windless night. The salt and vin, however, took one look at my sweaty wine-stained mouth and decided that today was not the sum of all destiny. The proud and petrified bag grabbed on to the bag before it, and refused to make the fatal jump.
"I'VE BEEN COSTANZA'D!" I cried.
The next thing that happened in this story is a 190-pound man wearing brand new shoes and a custom-fit suit (shirt un-tucked) threw himself into the vending machine with the force of a thousand warriors. It bounced from it's rusted mooring with a skid and a scream. The chips, however, remained. They stood still and silent and salted and smiled back at me. I lowered into a 3-point stance and prepared for my next charge.
"TO THE DEATH!" I cried.
The young hotel employee peeked around the corner with the fear of a daytime raccoon. To his horror, he realized that this situation was a mess that couldn't be mopped up, a stain that couldn't be solved. This would be a true test to carry with him up the ladder of concierge success. Unfortunately I caught his peeking eyes and threw the bag of doritos at him before he could form a proper plan.
"THIS IS A TRAVESTY!" I cried.
"Sir, please, I'm sorry, how can I fix this?"
"Do you have a loonie?"
"I can get one, sir."
To the best of my recollection, I tried to hug him at the end of our adventure together, but settled for a handshake. When I got back to the room Meg was already asleep so I ate both bags of chips and watched pawn stars on mute.
Weddings are so fun.